You won't find me in da club

I’d like to take a moment to talk about something that will affect or has affected everyone at some point in his or her young life: Clubbing. Despite having heard some really great songs on Y100 that give me some pretty sound advice on how to go about doing it (“Grab somebody sexy. Tell ‘em ‘Hey,’” says one expert, Ne-yo) I’m still pretty lost. Well, not lost, just bad at it. And also I hate it. Most clubs make me uncomfortable in a big way. Though I have been to some clubs where I’ve had a great time with friends, danced the night away without a care in the world, and heard some super funky music, I generally don’t enjoy them. Here’s why:

Crowds: People are the worst! I hate everyone! Except you. You, I like. But Other People suck. Going to a club often means seeing Other People. But not just seeing them. Also chewing Other People’s hair, being rubbed up against by Other People’s butts, and getting soaked by Other People’s sweat. Sometimes you even get elbow-punched in the neck. There’s a whole menu of ways to accidentally touch and be touched by strangers and I’d rather not order anything. I had a big lunch.

Lack of food: I tend to gravitate toward places with food. There is nary a club that has good food and most don’t offer any food at all. It’s like I always say from now on, “No food, no fun.” If I’m expected to be doing some sort of physical activity for 2-5 hours, I must be nourished. I’m not really motivated to do much if there’s not the promise of food. It’s kind of just science: An object at rest stays at rest until it has to go get more food [or go pee].

Hips Don’t ~~Lie~~ Work: I have a “hip complex,” as I like to call it. I don’t know if it’s just insecurity, a physical/ possibly genetic inability, or a Jewish thing, but I simply cannot move my hips. It’s especially disheartening because I’m in South America where, I’m sorry to stereotype, but everyone is beautiful and has rhythm. Shakira is not an anomaly, people! All Latinos can and will move their hips in a rather impressive way. But really, it’s not that I don’t have rhythm. I can sometimes move along properly to a beat, I just don’t look as good doing it as Latinos do. I think there should be a separate section of clubs where gringos can dance where the lights are just a teensy bit dimmer. It would benefit everyone.

Dressing Up: I don’t particularly like dressing up. But again, it’s not so much that I don’t like it as that it makes me feel very uncomfortable and like I’m trying too hard and everyone is watching me. Most club-appropriate clothing is more revealing/ skin grabbing than what I would choose to wear. I prefer outfits that offer room to breathe/ hide. For the club especially, the more hip coverage, the better. My ideal clubbing outfits are as follows:

A housecoat

A sandwich board

An igloo

Meat Market Gym Class: I’m not ashamed to brag: I have beautiful friends! This is usually a nonissue in my everyday life, but when friend after friend is whisked away by man after man on the dance floor, going to the club feels painfully like being picked last in gym class, which HAS happened to me once before. I know I’m a better person for it, but I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy (jk I would definitely wish that on my worst enemy). One by one, my friends are torn away from me by eager suitors and sooner or later I’m left dancing a la Billy Idol i.e. with myself, which would not be a problem if I looked half as good as Billy does on the dance floor (See also: a la Robyn, i.e. on my own).

Note to readers: I’m not as completely pathetic as I often sound here. I also don’t hate fun things. Love, Elyssa